i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She announced her abortion via fbk
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
