The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
