Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
