and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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