You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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