Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
