I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
What a dumb baby whore.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
