These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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