i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
