I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
