meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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