I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
