But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
