i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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