We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
