Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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