Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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