I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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