I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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