i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
