dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
