i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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