i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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