I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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