I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Someone came in the potted fern
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
