If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
