HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
