I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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