I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
