they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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