Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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