Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
