She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
