I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
