Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
