dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
