She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
