well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
