i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
