She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
