I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
