I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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