that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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