Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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