You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
