I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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