I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
