Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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