Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
