The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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